Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Confessions of a Control Freak

Matthew 6:13. “…For Thine is the Kingdom…” I know what a control freak looks like. I am one. I may not look like it on the outside and most of my friends and even my family might not always see it, but trust me, it is there. I care about what other people think of me and so I try to control situations and events to put myself in the best light, even if it is at the expense of others. This is not a pretty character trait and not one I am particularly proud of. I have many excuses and justifications for this behavior, but if I am honest, all of them are bound to make me look my best (so yes, that is just another attempt to control the perceptions of others). I do this because I can. We all can. We all do. If nobody cared what anybody thought the clothing, makeup, and personal care empires would crumble, to say nothing of advertising agencies or the companies that make mirrors. And don’t even get me started on Hollywood…if celebrities and the media didn’t care what you thought about them, what would we read while standing in line at the supermarket checkout? We live in a culture obsessed with what people think. This type of living does get exhausting after a while. Constantly trying to control everything takes a lot of energy. When people don’t have the perception I want them to have I feel either angry or like I have to work harder to get what I want. At some point this type of living/thinking becomes a full time job but a full time job that I can’t quit or leave because I have a reputation to protect, a kingdom to protect: my reputation; my kingdom. Eventually it can all start to spin out of control. Like Princess Leia says to Admiral Tuck aboard the first death star “the more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.” Eventually no matter how hard we try to keep control of everything, to keep the kingdom of our lives in line, it begins to slip through our fingers. We can’t control every piece of information that gets out there. We can’t control what others say or what they think. We find we can’t control everything and everyone around us, no matter how hard we try. For a control freak this is like a drug addict realizing they have no more drugs. Rock bottom! Out of MY control. When everything in my world seems hopelessly out of my control it is at that moment important for me to remember that this is not my kingdom and I’m not in control. God is in control. It is His kingdom. “For Thine is the Kingdom” resonates in my soul most deeply when things seem the most out of control. There are moments when I have to close my eyes, shut down my facebook, turn off twitter, turn off the cell phone, and simply get down on my knees and repeat these words “For Thine is the Kingdom…for Thine is the Kingdom…for Thine is the Kingdom.”