I think the reason that I am the world's greatest BBQer (is that a word) is because I have almost always barbecued on crappy BBQs. Before moving to Vegas in 1999 I had never even seen a barbecue (note I will be using BBQ and barbecue interchangeably). I had no skill on the grill (I'm also a wannbe rapper). Whenever somebody suggested we all get together for a barbecue (which wasn't that often because I was raised SDA read: mostly vegetarian) I would gallantly allow any other man in the group to man the barbecue and I would provide the entertainment, the running commentary, be the life of the party...anything to avoid standing over the grill. At family functions I allowed my uncle or cousins to bbq. In essence I was devoid of all meaningful interactions with the grill.
When we moved to Vegas and bought our first house, we discovered that the previous owners had left a grill on the back deck (well, actually a slab of concrete heated to one million degrees every day by the sun, but I didn't realize this until I stepped onto the slab in bare feet...however I digress). Obviously the grill had seen better days and apparently either the garbage truck had refused to pick it up or the owners had stopped using it so long ago they had forgotten what this horrible metal contraption in the corner of their yard was. Anyway, for whatever reason, it was there and I was determined to learn how to use it.
There were some initial problems. I didn't know how to turn it on (sexy dancing in a G-string didn't seem to work). I deduced that a person needed a flame to somehow ignite the propane, but I was unsure of how to do this and tossing lit matches into the yawning mouth of the grill had no effect. Finally I realized that perhaps I needed to buy a propane tank and attach it to the grill.
Having done so I experimented with turning nobs and dials and throwing lit matches into the grill until it nearly exploded as it erupted in flame, and I had my first lit gril to work with. (I continued to experiment until I learned how to actually light the thing and of course my eyebrows have grown back nicely).
My first attempt at grilling was chicken. I read a grill book on how to grill it and totally burned the outside to a black char while managing to leave the inside nicely red and almost cold. Needless to say attempt one was an abject failure and we celebrated that night by bringing in pizza.
My first hamburgers ended up as hard, unedable disks. My first steak was delicious, cooked to a beautiful medium rare. Apparently I could cook a steak but nothing else.
What I soon discovered, well not actually soon but over time, was that the grill actually had "hot" spots AND that I had to actually stand by the grill when grilling and adjust the food around the grill so that it alternatively was on a hot spot and then a cooler spot. This meant that after 20 or 30 attempts I was able to actually cook chicken without the fear of giving my family samonella.
When we bought our second house we decided it was time to actually buy a good grill and so I had to once again learn to barbecue. You see, I had learned how to grill on a piece of junk and now I actually had one that had adjustable heat settings, provided even heat, had a lid that closed all the way....well you get it....a grill that actually worked.
Sunday afternoons I perfected the art of learning to grill on a good grill. Eventually I graduated to salmon, kabobs, corn on the cob, asparagus, and anything else you could want grilled. I also learned that you can't leave your food on the grill while you go inside to watch the afternoon NFL game. The food will burn and your family will be unhappy with you.
Alas, when we moved back to Canada several years ago we brough our grill with us, but it did not fare well on the trip. I lovingly stowed it on the moving truck and then apparently piled everything I could find on top of it, including 4 tires and about twenty boxes. When we unloaded the truck I thought I had packed a grill designed for midgets. It also had a curious tilt to it that makes all the food roll towards the back of the grill and it now seems to have only one temperature - hot. If I want to keep anything warm, or if I am cooking chicken, I usually have to leave the lid open and only close it for brief periods of time to bring the temp back up.
However, having learned to grill on the BBQ that I did, grilling on this one actually isn't too bad.
So, why do I mention all of this?
This summer has been absolutely the worst summer I can remember for barbecuing. It has rained almost every day and here it is in September and its already below freezing at night. I've had very little chance to BBQ and I feel as if I'm losing my skillz. So, when I turned on the TV today (sexy dancing....) and saw that the weather forcast for this weekend was going to be in the 20s (that would be 70s for all my American friends) I am determined to grill one last time.
The only question is, should I do steak, chicken, or salmon? I'm so excited I might just do all three.
