I am usually up late at night these days. I used to stay up late at night because I used to be a musician and I was most creative late at night. These days I am up late because I am writing a Master's thesis and need to finish it and defend it before September, 2009. I have been accepted into the PhD program in Religious Studies (alternative religions) program at the University of Alberta and don't want to be starting the PhD while still worrying about defending the MA thesis. I was never really good at multi-tasking and this just seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
So I find myself up late most night sitting by myself at the dining room table with my laptop open, several books open around me, my project playlist in my headphones, and several half finished chapters in front of me.
Tonight I have just finished taking notes on a book on the theory of cognitive dissonance, and although I am planning on applying parts of this theory to my analysis, I can't help but feel as if I am a victim of cognitive dissonance. Briefly, cognitive dissonance theory states that when a person holds two dissonant beliefs or ideas in his or her head, or when a person believes one thing but outwardly acts in a contrary manner, that person will do whatever is necessary to resolve that dissonance. There are many dissonance reducing strategies, however the two that I find most relevant to my own situation are either to abandon one or both of the dissonant beliefs, or to rationalize one or both of them (this means coming up with new or alternative explanations about what these beliefs 'really' mean).
I wonder how often I say things that I do not necessarily believe are true. I am not saying that I lie, although from time to time I do, but rather that I say things that I know I should believe or that I really want to believe, yet I do not. So, by my actions (saying I believe something), I am creating a type of dissonance in my head (because I do not fully believe or adhere to the belief or principle I am affirming). This most often happens when I tell people that I am a Christian.
I have tried calling myself other things, like 'a follower of Jesus', or 'a believer', or one of many other things that all eventually lead back to the person I am talking to saying 'oh, you're a Christian'. Now, I wouldn't have so much of a problem with this statement if Christianity didn't have such a (well deserved) shitty reputation in most places, and if by identifying myself as a Christian I didn't have to accept so many preconcieved notions or ideas about what defines a Christian. I am not saying that I do accept them, but more often than not, the person or persons with whom I am having this discussion will have certain preconceived ideas about what a Christian is or isn't.
I believe in the Bible, but I believe there are many ways to interpret it.
I believe in God, but I don't know much about Him (see above sentence).
I believe in mercy and justice and peace, but I don't agree with how Christians (and many other people who call themselves religious) use religion as a pretext to commit attrocities around the globe.
I believe in helping those less fortunate than myself, but I rarely ever do it.
I believe in extending grace to everyone, but I find it difficult to extend grace to myself and therefore I do not extend it to others very often.
I believe in forgiving others, but I do not always forgive people and I struggle with concepts like the Lord's prayer where it says' forgive us as we forgive others'.
I believe in living a good life, but I don't really know what that looks like.
I believe in prayer (although what I believe it actually does remains a mystery), but I can go for days or weeks without it.
I believe in heaven and hell, but some days I seriously question which one I am closer to.
There are days when I struggle to feel anything at all that could be considered spiritual.
There are days when all I do is fight the demons.
There are many days when I would rather do anything than go to church.
And yet I call myself a Christian because I believe that Jesus was the son of God and that he died on a cross in AD 33 to save the world, of which I am a part. I just don't buy much of anything else that has been added to this one simple truth over the centuries.
The dissonance remains and I have not effected any reduction strategies to minimize it. Late at night, tonight, I feel liminal, and while it is hardly perfect or desireable, for now it is real, and therefore acceptable. I am between the past and the future, between the old and the new, between the beginning and the end, between dusk and dawn, between questions and answers....
