Identity

Who I am is made up of several interactive and, at times, competing factors. I wish it wasn't true, but the more I think about this, the more I get to know myself, the more I have to admit that it is true. I am a believer, a husband, a father, a musician, an academic, a sceptic, a sinner, and a pastor. All of these things define me and the struggle is to keep each in perspective. That struggle exemplifies the human condition. Popular culture, at least in North America, tends to define you based on what you do. When two people meet each other for the first time the natural first question that comes out after getting to know your name, or often even before that, is "what do you do?" What you do so often defines you. I've fallen victim to this self-identity far too often and I've allowed the "musician" or the "pastor" or the "academic" to take centre stage. When I primarily identify myself by what I do, it doesn't take long until I am caught up in the game called "success". If who I am is determined by what I do, then in order to feel good about myself I need to be the best at what I do. My self worth is then tied directly to my level of success in my given area, and this of course leads to jealousy of those who are better or more successful in the same field. When I don't get a promotion or a gig or a deal that I feel I deserved, it affects my self worth. Christian culture tends to define you based upon what I will call "the Christian index." The talk that most Christians have amongst themselves, at least on the surface, revolves around knowing their identity rests in the knowledge that they are a child of God and therefore forgiven and headed to heaven when they die. Noting wrong with that. There are however, things that are implied in this knowledge that are not often talked about, but which also define us. What if I am a child of God and I'm still struggling with sin in my life? Trust me, everyone does, it isn't really an "if" question. So, my Christian identity is both as a child of God and a person who still struggles with sin and does sin. Christians don't usually say that part of their identity is that of a sinner. They'd rather just ignore it, sweep it under the rug, or "deal with it" privately. What if I'm a child of God but I don't really attend a church? What if I've been hurt by so many Christians and churches that I avoid them? In Christianese, church attendance and participation are so often inversely correlated with being a "good Christian." Also, does my relationship with God exist in a vacuum? Is it completely separate from what I do? Doing so seems to me to be rather esoteric, otherwordly, and not at all relevant to the fact that my identity includes what I do as well. Finally I am also a husband and father. If I forget that part of my identity includes my responsibilities to and relationships with my family then I am not being true to who God calls me to be: in essence I am not being a believer if I neglect my wife and kids. I've seen lots of pastors neglect their families; thinking that their role as pastor defined them and therefore their family just had to take second place, to say nothing of their identity in Christ. I can't tell you the number of professionals, whether academics, musicians, businessmen, (check out actors too), who believe that success in their field is their identity and that their families are holding them back. No wonder divorce rates are so high. Having realized this stuff, I have to say that although I certainly don't have it all figured out, I am beginning to figure out who I am and who I am not. I am a complex interactive of competing and cooperative desires, goals, and realizations. I don't yet have them all in balance, and I doubt I ever will this side of eternity. The best I can do is try to realize when something is out of balance and attempt to bring it back into some type of balance. I am a believer, a husband, a father, a musician, an academic, a sceptic, a sinner, and a pastor. Hopefully in that order.